I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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