Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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