dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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