i just sent this text using only my big toe
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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