Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
