He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
