It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
