then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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