when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
