They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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