The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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