I think my fart just growled at me.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
