the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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