i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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