the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
