The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
