OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
