Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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