i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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