her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
