Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
