i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
