I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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