well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish you could order shots online.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
