I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm at about main and main street
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
