also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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