somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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