hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
