Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
