I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize