I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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