Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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