Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
