you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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