Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
