Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
