Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You're like the curious george of whores
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You may now shotgun with the bride
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
