She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
