i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I am spending my child support on dildos
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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