I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
