I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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