Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
