I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
