True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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