im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
