I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I AM VODKA MAN
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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