It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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