I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
