peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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