The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
