I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
