I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Watching her eat just hurts me
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize