everyone is single if you try hard enough
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
