I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i want to swaddle you in tequila
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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