There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize