I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
