Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
